I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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