Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
