Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
