Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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