he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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