is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
