i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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