Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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