i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
