A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
