...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
