i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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