dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize