final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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