Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
