it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
