I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
