did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My balls are so social today.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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