i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
