using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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