i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
