this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
