Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
