I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
