i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
