a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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