Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
