if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
