Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
