I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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