apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
