Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
