My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
