Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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