remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
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Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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