Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
