Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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