does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
