im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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