Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He shit in the fireplace
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
