he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
