i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
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