Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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