sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
