If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
