I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
how does that bad decision feel?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
