I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
