Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
