Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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