Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
