I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Randomize
