I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
