There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
