8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
