i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
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Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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