He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
