so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
