Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
