I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
