My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
