Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
