The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
